The Working Group

She is cooperating with the working group
They are against me
The reunion is just a simple gash away
When it is all over

Who will live? Who will die?
Who will decide my fate?

I am far, far away from the working group
They are after me
Freedom resides within the mirage of my mind
Nobody shall find me there

Who will win? Who will lose?
Who will force me towards the end?

In control, under control, the purity of disobedience
They are tracking me down
There will be no second chance, no negotiation
When everyone disappears

Who will stay? Who will leave?
Who will witness my last breath?

Everything I treasure, everything I hold dear
They are still here with me
It will always remain an open option, an emergency exit
If I want to become myself

Who is the one smiling behind my back?
Who are the working group?

Toy Box

Every day I open my toy box
Tools of controlled happiness
Beheaded baby dolls start playing with my mind

I will never have the chance to try again
Once the procedure has been prepared
Mutilated toy soldiers begin the invasion into my head

Stop it Stop it Stop it Stop it Stop it Stop it Stop it Stop it Stop it Stop it Stop it Stop it Stop it Stop it Stop it Stop it Stop it Stop it Stop it Stop it Stop it Stop it Stop it Stop it Stop it Stopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstop

Not safe Not safe Not safe Not safe Not safe Not safe Not safe Not safe Not safe Not safe

It is not safe to play with me
A damaged toy clinging onto her promised land
Surrounded by thoughts marching from all directions

Dates are useful when time has ceased to be
The words ‘I have no regret’
Have become my last mourning

I am only a toy
In a game with other toys
Nothing can hold the descent

It’s only a matter of time
Unpredictable yet inevitable
To delay, or to accelerate?

My toy box keeps its silence

Falsification

Who am I to falsify life?

There is no crisis
There is no need
There is no pain

Not my own thoughts anyway

The solution is simple
The ambivalence is fading
The determination for termination

Yet I still have to smile

When tomorrow comes

Guilt becomes innocence
When it is shared by everyone
I will not die before those people

Obey, obey, obey

Here
Time stands still
As my thoughts accelerate

As the control intensifies
As the process clarifies itself
As my self stratifies reality

I am not on the edge

I am within the boundary

I am here

A purpose in life which cannot be falsified
Is she attempting to escape or invade?
Yes, yes, there is the final standpoint

Let me dream once more

Let me see tomorrow

Let it end with laughter

It is not imagination gone astray
It is my prediction of the future
Not now, not today at least

The word hope frightens me
A permanent deletion
What about the decision?

I have no right to decide

Not me

Let me sleep
I am just tired
The falsification of a hypothesis

Deduction and induction

Give me another day
And let that day continue
Let my existence continue

Entering the equilibrium

My pulse is the common pathway

A temporal change

A gradual decline
An insidious onset
The prodrome of life

The side effect of death

Protection

I inflict pain to protect life
Armour of scars
It is because I cannot protect you
My blood as vaccination

What is mine?

To where do I belong?

The treasured answers vocalise in the air
I am here, under your protection
The precious prevention of heartache
Nobody can take it away from me

Nobody

Nobody

Nobody can force me to leave

Yet I force myself to live
Even though I want to be here
This shattering noise in my mind
The evidence of my existence

What is the worse-case scenario?

My ultimate wish will come true

Should I embrace it or evade it?
A decaying lump of biomass
Dreaming of your protection
Daring to protect you

Finally, finally, the script of facts unravels before me

Another second, another day

Until the end, until eternity

Prisoner

The prisoner is the first-person perspective
Wrongly convicted to a life sentence
In this guilty existence called thin air (vacuum)

They are campaigning to bring back the death penalty
For her to walk the last mile, to tell the permanent lie
Everyone is looking forward to her performance

Her thoughts dive into the crimson deep sea
Her words trickle from her smile, hanging by the last thread
In this mental maze, this paranoid paradise (panorama)

There is nothing left for the spectators
That’s why she must pay for their crime, the final applause
Echo- echo- echo, their voices never answer her pleas

The prisoner is a subject to statistical analysis
Undergoing the correct test to become herself
In this mortally hopeful world of indecision (ambivalence)

Or will they decide for her? Her fate is not in her hands
Because the jury has gone home, her own place to belong
Nowhere to be found again- nowhere to be seen

Her punishment is not severe enough
Shackled by freedom, she loses her reflection in the mist
In this fatally wounded nothingness (reality)

The time has come, she has ignored the warning signs
Facing the inquisition of pain, a prisoner in her own mind
The verdict of the end results remains a closed case

Airless Dimension

If I could become just like the air
If I could find solace in this deceitful rest
So many things to look forward to
So many forces dragging me deeper into the abyss

To feel pain from nothingness is quite rare
To know that everyone else has done their best
Is my life just data, is there anything left to do?
Is my brain instructing me to pursue the fatal bliss?

Losing my grip, into the airless dimension I fall
Let me seek the ultimate truth, the paradoxical decision
‘Only giving up will save you,’ the voices said
‘On this day I will be reborn,’ my mind screamed

Drowning in vacuum, where the end shall enthral
Don’t listen to them, the ambivalent incision
‘A coward like you should never exist,’ the thoughts read
‘Another day is ahead of me,’ my heart dreamed

Set a date, make a plan, collect everything necessary
Send a letter, write a note, pretend to be better
Even though I need to live, the deadly prophecy persists
Eventually, however I struggle, the inevitable awakes

Grab a blade, enter the exit, abandon everything voluntary
Get a ticket, book a flight, continue to recover
Although I am so close, the barely functioning self resists
After all, I am still here- and the unknown awaits.

Rejection

I have a reaction to my internal organs
A rejection response mediated by the donor
It started with my brain no longer running errands
Soon the process will end, soon I will be a goner

Let’s dance, let’s sing for this nothingness
Let us cry, let us diminish in this madness
Do you still think you are the victim?
I scoff at your futility, I reject your failed verbatim

I have a reaction to my future aspirations
A rejection response triggered by uncertainty
It immersed me in crimson inspirations
Then the equation will be solved, oh bleak infinity!

Let’s laugh, let’s celebrate this undeserving rest
Let us sigh, let us sink into this empty nest
Do you really know the meaning of revenge?
I fly away from your grip, I reject your heritage

I have a reaction to my neuronal pathways
A rejection response subjected to a double bind
It began with a single thought hidden in the subways
That’s why we fall, that’s why we are all blind

Let’s sleep, let’s stop before this blissful fate
Let us leave, let us remember this wonderful date
Do you seriously wish to return to the past?
I do what I must, I reject your cage at last

Finally, the rejection targets itself
The enemy’s name is reality

Another Promise

One day, I will become yours
The promise I have fulfilled
One day, I will belong to you
The promise I can never keep

Happy Anniversary, it’s been ten years
I made the promise when I first knew your name
Then we met on that fateful day
With so many shadows surrounding me

Should I make another promise?
The promise to abandon all memories
Should I even try for another day?
The promise to leave you behind

But no, I cannot forget
You are the destination of my past
Please, exist for me, exist for my dreams
You are too beautiful for my reality

Then I will exist for you
And everything you represent
Even if I will never reach you
This is my promise-

I will always remember you
But now, I will take another path
I am too imperfect for your reality
So please, let me think of you once again

In my dreams
In your reality
Until the end….

First Aid

First aid is what I need
Fast pain relief
Even if I’m not willing to become
A part of their statistics

It’s just another story
Not even worth a headline
Until I decipher the message
What if it’s pity mixed with pluck?

First aid is today’s good deed
Falsely held belief
Even when there’s nothing to overcome
Life is but mathematics

It’s just the eighth storey
Not even a valid deadline
Unless I can face the passage
Do I keep trying my luck?

Actually, it’s not a bloody cry for help
Because first aid is my only skill
Still nobody calls that name
Nobody takes the blame

Really, it’s better safe than sorry
For first aid is my last resort
Yet nobody comes to rescue
Nobody comes to kill

Dystonia

Come visit me
At the point of isolation
Please, rescue me
From this extracellular mutation

The egodystonic behaviour
The purple prose in hardcover
Like an absence seizure
Like a dreamless adventure

Dystonia of the mind

Listen to me
At the centre of perception
Please, sing for me
With this irreversible cognition

The egocentric recovery
The imaginary artery
Like a compulsive theory
Like a senseless prophecy

Dystonia of the brain

Laugh at me
At the dividing line of intuition
Please, stop me
In this insightful delusion

The egoboundary of morbidity
The building blocks of sanity
Like an anatomical modality
Like a translucent reality

Dystonia
The terminal symptom

The blissful antagonism of thought